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Two Degrees of Separation/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: What's this? Brent Leroy: A security sticker. Davis Quinton: We actually say decal. But to you, yes, a sticker. See? If I was a robber, you'd know how tall I was. Brent: If you were the robber, I'd say, "Davis robbed me." Davis: I'd be wearin' a mask. Give me some credit. Brent: Robbers don't need credit. They take whatever they want. Hank: What if the robber shoots Brent? Then he can't read the decal. Davis: If it's an armed robbery, then they call in a special unit. Not my problem. Brent: That's a relief. Hank: All right. Okay. What if they beat up Brent so badly he can't read the decal? Brent: Why would they beat me up? Hank: You tried to put up a fight. You had to be a big man. Davis: Don't be a hero, Brent. Let the sticker do its work. Hank: I thought you said it was a decal. Davis: I'm trying to use terms he'll understand. Brent: This is comforting. I've already been shot and beaten up. Davis: Don't worry, Brent. If someone robs the place, we'll know how tall they are. Wanda Dollard: What? Davis: Okay. But if the robber was Wanda, you'd know. Wanda: Robber? I didn't take anything. Okay, I took a pop, one lousy pop. I was gonna pay for it. Happy now? Sor-ry. Brent: That sticker works pretty good. Davis: Decal. Lacey Burrows: Something the matter, Karen? Karen Pelly: Oh, I just wanted to give you a warning. You went through that yield sign. Lacey: Oh. Okay. Karen: Something funny? Lacey: Well, I thought I'd done some wrong there. Yield sign. Karen: It's mandatory signage. Lacey: Oh, come on. It's like a stop sign that didn't quite make it. Karen: License and registration, please. Lacey: Oh. Okay. I thought this was a warning. Karen: You can mock me, but don't mock the yield sign. Lacey: I wasn't mocking you. Karen: Oh. Well, you could have. Lacey: Something funny? Karen: This licence has expired. Lacey: What? Brent: Come again. Hank: Five foot seven! Brent: You gonna call out people's heights all morning? Hank: I find it relaxing. Brent: Yeah, because you're normally so tightly wound. Any more relaxed, you'd be a stain on the floor. Davis: Really? You took away her licence? Pretty harsh. Karen: It was expired. Besides, she mocked the yield sign. Hank: Six foot one, five foot five! Karen: Oh, you put in the height thing. Davis: I was the only one tall enough to reach it, Five Foot Five. Karen: That's tall, for a woman. Hank: Hey, Karen, you tall enough to rob this store? See? Wanda: I'm gonna start comin' in through the window. Brent: Hey, how tall are you, Wanda? Wanda: In the words of Will Rogers, tall enough that my legs touch the ground. Brent: Do they? It's hard to tell from way up here. Oscar Leroy: We all run yield signs sometimes. But you made fun of one. That crosses the line. Lacey: That was grumpy, even for Oscar. Emma Leroy: Oh, we just got our heating bill. It's murder. Lacey: You know what you should try? Emma: Online dating? Lacey: A digital thermostat. They turn the heat down at night, it saves you money, and it's good for the environment. Emma: That could work, as long as nobody tells Oscar the part about the environment. Oscar: Where's my coffee? I want some service. Lacey: You might want to think about the online dating thing. Karen: Your turn to drive. Davis: Yep. Just gotta move the seat back, Little Miss Five, Five. Karen: You put that sticker up so you could gloat, didn't you? Davis: It's no joke. That sticker's all that separates Brent from being shot and beat up by someone he doesn't even know the height of. Karen: Yeah, it's anarchy out here. Hank: Okay, you two, forget everything you thought you knew about thermostats. Oscar: Done. Hank: From now on you experience temperature the digital way. Oscar: I coulda done it. Emma: Yes, but this way gives us the option of not having the house burn down. Hank: State of the art digital temperature. The audience is listening. Oscar: Get him outta here. Hank: What do you want to set it to? Emma: Room temperature, 72. Hank: 72. Lock and load. Oscar: That's not room temperature. Room temperature's 70. Hank: 70. Engage. Emma: It's 72. Hank: 72. Make it so. Oscar: It's 70. Emma: 72, like your IQ. Oscar: Set it to 70. Hank: 70. Last call. Emma: Leave it, or Oscar bunks with you tonight. Brent: Hey, Wanda, I need to check some tax information. Wanda: Shoot. Brent: Is that your social insurance number? Wanda: Yeah. Brent: And you were born in Saskatchewan? Wanda: Mm-hmm. Brent: And what's your height? Wanda: Seven foot three. Brent: Ah-ha. You fell right into my...oh. Well played. All right, let's forget the height thing. Let me ask you this. How tall are you? Karen: I'm not the bad guy here. You had an expired out-of-province driver's licence. Lacey: So you're gonna make me take a driver's test? Karen: The province is. Not me. I'm not doin' anything. Wanda: That's sort of her motto as a police officer. Karen: See? You can mock me, that's fine. We have a person who does road testing part time. I'll set you up. Wanda: You worried? Lacey: Oh, it's not a big deal. I know how to drive. Wanda: Sure. That's why they pulled you over in the first place. Lacey: Wanda, it was a yield sign. It doesn't mean anything. It's like a, like a suggestion. Wanda: Oh, yeah, you're gonna ace this test. Oscar: 72. It's sweltering. Emma: It's two degrees, Oscar. It doesn't make any difference. Hank: Hope you like it. Oscar: It's like Africa in here. It's like a sauna. It's like a sauna in Africa. Emma: It's imperceptible. Oscar: Well, I percept it. Hank: If there's anything I can do... Oscar: Let's change it to 70. Emma: No, that's wrong. Oscar: You say. Hank: Glad to have helped. Oscar: Oh. Davis: All right, three points! Karen: Lucky shot. Davis: Well, I am taller than you. Karen: Interesting point about that. I was looking on the Internet, and it turns out that although six one is taller than five five... Davis: Way taller. Karen:...for a woman, five five is taller than six one. Compared to other women, I'm taller than you are compared to other men. So, scientifically, I'm taller than you. Davis: Huh? Karen: Sorry, Shortstuff. Shaq attack! Oscar: Oh, it's like a pressure cooker in here. It's like Cuba. Emma: Are you gonna go through the names of every hot country? Oscar: It's like Mexico. Emma: Oh, I should have never got you that atlas. Oscar: I'm passin' out from the heat, the El Salvador-like heat. Emma: All right, all right, we'll turn it down. Oscar: Good. Now, which button do we push? Brent: Well, I don't know how to do this. Emma: Are you still doing that? Oscar: Don't rush me. Hank: I can't believe you dragged me over here for two degrees. Oscar: I'm telling ya, it was hot. It was like Japan, the hot part of Japan. Emma: Do you have to make that noise? Hank: I don't see you doin' it. Karen: You okay? Lacey: Yep. Just walkin', carrying these heavy groceries, because you took away my driver's licence. Karen: Need a lift? Lacey: I wouldn't want you to get distracted and miss a yield sign. Karen: Okay. Lacey: Oh. Karen: Am I being too hard on her? Davis: Your call. You're the tall one. Karen: You got that right, Little Man. Hank: Five nine. Brent: Hey, Hank, you're just in time to witness my triumph. Hank: What, you got a Triumph? Awesome! Can I take it for a spin? Brent: Not the car. Look, I extended the sticker. It goes down a few extra ticks. Hank: I don't get it. Brent: Well, when Wanda comes in, we'll be able to tell her height. Hank: Oh, I get it. Brent: Do you really get it? Hank: Ah, I'm kinda losin' interest. Brent: Just watch the door. Wanda: What are we watching? Brent: How'd you get in here? Wanda: Came in through the back. It's almost like I somehow anticipated your plan. Brent: Hey, uh, Wanda, where's the tape measure? And the Sharpie? Go about your business. Wanda: It's like I'm psychic. Hank: Would you pipe down. The door's about to do somethin'. Karen: So what if you're not that tall for a man. You're still tall. Just not if you think of yourself as a man. Davis: You're not helping. Karen: It doesn't matter what you look like. Just be who you are and people will respect you. Lacey: Hey, what's with the boots? Davis: Do you think they make me look tall, for a man? Lacey: Davis, are those platform boots? Davis: Do they look funny? Lacey: Not if you're in Cirque du Soleil. Oh, come on, I'm just kidding. They'd look funny even if you were in Cirque du Soleil. Davis: Rhubarb pie. And keep it comin'. Lacey: I can't go to the bakery, because your partner took away my driver's licence. Remember? Davis: Okay, don't worry. I'll take care of this. Davis: Get lotsa rhubarb. Lacey: I thought you were gonna get me my licence back. Davis: After that Cirque du Soleil crack? Emma: Do you have the window open or something? Oscar: If you're cold, wear a sweater. Emma: I am wearing a sweater. Oscar: I know what this is about. You're trying to get me to turn up that thermometer. Emma: Thermostat. And I wouldn't ask you. I don't have five days to spare. Oscar: It only took two. Emma: You sure you don't find it cold in here? Oscar: How should I know if I'm cold or not when you keep yakkin' at me. Emma: It's like Greenland. Oscar: The hot part of Greenland. Lacey: I know how to drive. Karen: I feel responsible. It's the least I can do. Okay, you approach an uncontrolled intersection. What do you do? Lacey: You go when it's safe. Karen: Could you be more specific? Lacey: See if a guy's there. If not, then you go. It's an uncontrolled intersection, okay? If they're gonna be control freaks about it, then maybe they should put some control on it. Karen: Aaaah! Wrong. You treat it like a four-way stop. Lacey: You're trying to psych me out. Karen: Think how humiliating it will be for a grown woman to fail a driving test. That's me trying to psych you out. Hank: Okay, I've helped you so far because I like you and I like to make this sound. But after this, I'm done. Oscar: It's not our fault, it's this contraption, telling us the exact temperature. Why did you bring this into our home? Hank: You paid me. Oscar: We paid you? Hank: Yeah. Oscar: Did you know this? Emma: Blame Lacey. She thought it would be good for the environment. Oscar: The environment? And we're payin' Hank? You stabbed me in the back right to my face. Hank: There. Now you should both be happy. Oscar: I hope you and the environment are pleased with yourselves. Emma: It's not my fault. Oscar: Oh, go hug a tree. Brent: Hah! Captured your height. In some cultures this would mean I own your soul. Wanda: Explain. Brent: Well, we know how tall Hank is. Now we just measure the difference. I didn't say it was a complicated plan. Hank: Check and mate. Wanda: Well, you beat me. High five. Hank: Well, you know, when we team up, there's nothin' that we can't...oops. Wanda: Um, if you guys need help tying your shoes or taking the wrapper off a lollypop, I'm over there. Brent: I don't know why I even involve you in my schemes. Hank: Well, maybe you're afraid of success on some level. Oscar: You never said this crazy thermostat was gonna tell us the temperature. Lacey: Your old thermostat told you the temperature. Emma: With a dial, there was a grey zone. Oscar: It left temperature to the imagination instead of shovin' it in your face. Lacey: Look, I am sorry, but I happen to have my own problems. I have to take my stupid driver's test and I have to wait until next week because this stupid town only has one stupid part-time tester. Emma: And I'm the stupid part-time tester. Oscar: Yeah. Stupid. Hank: There, done. You can't get a thermostat with less information than that. You won't know if it's hot, you won't know if it's cold. I, alone, will know that it's set to 73. I'll reset it to another number. Go wait outside. Oscar: Hey, look, the ozone layer's getting better. It must be that wonderful thermostat you got. Emma: I should have never listened to that do-gooder Lacey. Lacey: Excuse me. I'm right here. Emma: And why are you here, again? Lacey: Because Hank's my ride. Oscar: And why can't you drive? Lacey: Because Karen is on a power trip. Karen: Excuse me. I'm right here. Emma: And why are you here again? Karen: I'm making sure she doesn't drive. Oscar: And where's Davis? Karen: He's off sulking, 'cause he's shorter than me. Emma: I'm going back inside. Lacey: See you at the driving test. Karen: You're screwed. Brent: Hey, maybe we shouldn't do this height thing anymore. Wanda: Had enough, huh? Brent: Yeah. Because I know your height. Wanda: Really? Brent: Yes. My plan was brilliant. I learned all your habits. Where do you work? A gas station. So that became my weapon. I measured the height of everything on the wall behind you, and now... Wanda: English dictionary. Has a thousand uses. Brent: The dictionary, my old nemesis. Wanda: You wanna borrow it? You could look up the word defeat. Davis: It's not so great being tall. Abraham Lincoln was tall and he got shot. Karen: Did they catch the height of the guy who did it? Davis: Nah, they didn't have decals back then. Karen: Oh, hello. Lacey: Good evening. Karen: I see you have a wagon. Lacey: Yes. I need this, to carry things, as I can no longer drive. Karen: Well, that's very resourceful. Lacey: Thank you. Karen: Have a good evening. Lacey: Yeah, bite me. Davis: Dracula was tall. And he gets killed in every movie. Karen: Yeah, but he's dead to begin with. Davis: Yeah. Emma: Oscar, do I hear ungaffing? You better not be ungaffing. Oscar: I just had to see if I was hot or not. Emma: You're not. Trust me. Oscar: Hey, this gaff tape is silver. Wasn't it black before? Emma: I was curious. Wanda: Hey, little fellah. Could you help me up on the stool? Davis: I've never seen a security decal go so wrong. Hey, help me get Brent to take it down. Wanda: Maybe I could ask him to take it down. Davis: Ah, it wouldn't work. Think it through. Wanda: Take down the security sticker. Brent: No, I like that it humiliates Davis. Davis: I never thought it would go that badly. Wanda: Maybe I should have imagined him in a better mood. Wanda: Take down the security sticker. Brent: No, I like that it humiliates Davis. Wanda: Nope. Looks like his mind's made up, pal. Guess we're going to have to go more subtle. Lacey: Emma, listen, I wanted to apologize about the whole thermostat thing. You know, thermostat choice is a is a personal lifestyle choice and I forced my preference upon you. And for that, I am truly sorry. Emma: Thanks, Lacey. That means a lot to me. Lacey: Ooo, what a relief. Oscar: You don't buy that, do ya? Get used to walkin', Wagon Girl. Lacey: It was just a yield sign. I'm not an axe murderer. Lacey: Hey. Wanda, I need you to trick Emma into forgiving me so she won't flunk me on my driver's test. Wanda: Or you could learn how to drive. Lacey: Pardon? Wanda: I mean I'd love to, but I'm already helping out Davis. Davis: Hey, maybe we can just burn down the gas station. Just spit ballin'. Wanda: Explain to me what you think the word subtle means. Lacey: I need someone who Emma will listen to. Davis: Have you tried Mrs. Wipinski from the Church Group? Lacey: No, she's out of town. Who's someone Emma's close to? Brent: Hey, what's up? Lacey: Brent. I need your help. Do you know anyone who's close to your Mom? Brent: Mrs. Wipinski? Lacey: No. Out of town. Brent: Oh. All right. Well, change of subject. Let's all say our heights. Wanda, you go first. Davis: Is that subtle? Emma: 20? What's 20 mean? Hank: Celsius. Look, all you need to know is that it's approximately room temperature. Ignorance is bliss. Emma: Well, you speak from experience. Hank: Yeah. Oscar: You've taken the metric system and used it for good. Hank: Actually, it was, uh, Lacey's idea. Lacey: Glad to help, especially with the driver's test coming up. Emma: Oh, Lacey, I'd never let my personal feelings affect the outcome of the test. Lacey: I failed? But I fixed your thermostat. Emma: I told you I'd never let my personal feelings affect the outcome of the test. Lacey: Oh. Brent: What's this? Wanda: Oh, it's just a scale. We thought we'd weigh ourselves. Brent: Why would anyone do that? Wanda: Curiosity. You wanna hop on, or should we guess your weight? Brent: Oh, is this about the height sticker? Wanda: Davis, you guess first. Brent: No, no, okay, all right. I'll take down the sticker. Wanda: You see, it's subtle and insulting. Best of both worlds. Davis: Hey, check this out. My weight's in a pretty high percentile, for a man. Wanda: Oh. Category:Transcripts